Very Sad News

I'm just not sure how to start this post, because really it doesn't feel real. But on Monday (Jan . 21st) we got a text from Our Beckie that said our baby had passed away. Her heartbeat stopped and Beckie had to deliver her....alone. We were devastated. Not only because our dreams of being parents started to crumble beneath us, but because she had to go through all that alone and I guess felt that it was too hard to tell us. We just started embracing the reality that we could be parents in June, and then it was taken away. I'm just trying to understand all these trials that seem to keep coming my way. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty to be grateful for, but I guess when you really want one thing it's easy to focus on the fact that you don't have it. It's just heartbreaking. I had faith that the Lord was blessing us after 5 long years of wishing for a child.

I wrote all that last week, when the news was fresh and painful. It's still painful, but we are healing. We still can't really believe it, but feel confident that the Lord has a plan for us-whatever it may be. It's sort of like a bad dream. I often find myself remembering that it happened. Like "Oh yeah...." and then my heart breaks again. Or I'll walk by the nursery (Unfortunately I work next to it upstairs) and choke back tears. Then there was taking back all the tiny, beautiful clothes we bought after we found out it was a girl. The sales clerk asked "Was there anything wrong with them?" and I wanted to scream "Our baby died! She never got to use them!" But I didn't....

I feel sort of numb....in shock.  I am sad. I am angry. I feel cheated. I feel confused. But oddly...I also feel at peace. We were chosen. Beckie found us. Our prayers were answered. We were planning on bringing home our daughter in 4 short months. She was only here for a short time, but I feel that she will guide us to our next adventure. She will always be watching over us, and Beckie.


“The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude.”

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (1917–2008), “Come What May, and Love It,” Ensign, Nov. 2008, 28.