Fertility Funhouse, it ain't that fun!

So I completely agree that matters like this are private and between husband, wife, and the Lord, but gosh darn it, I am just really over all this "trying to conceive" business.

Most may look at us and think "When are they going to have kids?" or "Are they putting money before family?" or the like, and I can honestly and bitterly shout WE WOULD LOVE TO! and NO WE ARE NOT! Recently I have found many other women who struggle with fertility and even pregnancy issues and have found peace and understanding in their stories. So maybe, just maybe someone out there is looking for my story.

Heath and I started along this road about a year ago. It just 'clicked' in both of us that we were ready to start a family. I was extremely excited because, well heck, I have been ready since Day 1 of marriage. There was just one thing I needed to do in order to prepare. Visit with the doctor. I decided to do a pre-pregnancy check-up. I was concerned about a gene that my cousin's family had- the Factor X gene. It is the number one cause of autism and retardation. Not that the results would change things for us, but it was something that I wanted to get checked out. So a needle puncture later we were waiting for results back from the chromosome analysis. Two weeks later I headed into the doctor for the results. I sat nervously waiting for the doctor. She came and plainly stated "Well you don't have Fragile X". I was relieved. She went on...."But it does look like you are missing part of one of your X chromosomes." Wait? What? What the heck does this mean? What will it mean? She went on to say "You should either not get pregnant or do IVF." I left. I walked down the hall. Down the stairs. I opened the door. I walked towards my car. And then it happened. I just let loose and cried my eyes out. I saw my dreams, my biggest dream, slowly slipping away. How could this be? This was completely disheartening to me considering how naive I was about the whole process (for example: the fact that you only have a 20% chance to get pregnant each month anyway!)

The following week or so I visited with a Genetic Counselor who eased my worries and explained things much better than the OB/GYN (remember doctors don't know everything, especially those incompetent in genetic issues). So pretty much the deal was this: Women who are missing a whole X chromosome have Turner's Syndrome, I did not have Turner's and did not exhibit any Turner's signs or symptoms, I can not give my children Turner's (well not anymore than any other woman, Turner's happens when the cells are dividing, just like my abnormality), and most comforting: I am not weird. Hehe I liked that last one. What it could mean: early menopause (like age 30), Premature Ovarian Failure (again, like age 30), and a harder time conceiving a boy (since most likely if they received my "broken" X then the pregnancy would miscarry). All equal a high possibility of infertility. Boy do I hate that word. Other feelings attached to that word are incapable, incompetent, and inability. I felt those things in the following months, along with anger, bitterness, pity, loathing, emptiness, unhappiness, jealousy, unfairness, loneliness, and a lot, I mean a lot, of misunderstanding.

So we went on trying each month without any good news. The first months were full of disappointment and even fear. Fear that something inside of me was broken. I felt like a complete failure as a woman and especially as a wife. I felt alone and worthless at moments. Heath was amazing. He didn't understand, but he was amazing. He tried so hard to make me feel better, but I was a constant vacationer on the island of self pity. So more months went by and I just became angry. I resented anything that dealt with pregnancy (especially at work when I would work on charts that dealt with 15 year olds who were pregnant or talked with people who almost regretted having children). I asked Why? How?. I begged with Heavenly Father. I even thought I was being punished by Heavenly Father. I was miserable and I'm pretty sure it was miserable to be around me. I yearned for pregnancy, the feeling of an infant in my arms, and just had a desire to begin our little family. But nothing happened. 10 months have passed and still nothing. Don't get me wrong, I know my time in the land of infertility has been short compared to others, but it is still painful, it still feels lonely, and it still feels empty.

And for those of you on the edge of your seats wondering.....this story doesn't end in pregnancy, at least not yet.

At about month 6, due to my 'high risk' for infertility, I saw a fertility specialist. I got a pelvic sonogram done and some blood tests and everything checked out perfectly. 4 months have passed since then and still nothing, and I'm finally okay with that. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt each month and I don't cry sometimes. And I'm not saying that I don't still feel pangs of jealousy or bitterness when friends or even strangers announce/flaunt their pregnancy(as they should! It's great news and I would too!), but it is becoming okay. I am okay because of a plan. Heavenly Father's plan and the knowledge that I know he cares, he knows me, and he hears me. A part of me is so grateful that pregnancy has not been easy for me. I now know the pain and grief that is attached to infertility and the feelings that you experience. It is especially hard because you feel left out at church when things are centered around being a mom, taking care of kids, and it seems like everyone is pregnant. I know that things will happen, whatever they will be, in God's time. God it perfect in his timing, and the timing is always perfect. I am extremely grateful for this time Heath and I have to become closer, to prepare for the future, and just grow as a family of two, but look, with hope, at the future and what it holds, whatever it may be.