Why not me?

As most of you loyal readers (all 3 of you :)) know, we've been struggling with infertility issues for about three years now. It has overwhelmed my life in so many ways. It is starting to define who I am and I hate it. Oh there goes Adrienne- She has infertility- feel sorry for her. It's a disease that is pretty much sucking the life out of me. The worst part is that it is a silent disease that no one sees and that no one can cure. So I live each day mourning my childhood dreams of becoming a mother, raising a family, and doing what most people consider the best job on earth. I watch others as they interact with children, or as mothers hold their infants, and I look at what seems like every person around me walk around with a pregnant belly, and I think- Why not me? Why not me, the person who waited until she was married to have sex, the person that did what the Lord asked and got sealed in the Temple, the person who has tried to do what is right. You feel like you are doing these things in your life: going to church, paying tithing, saying your prayers, attending the Temple, reading your scriptures, following the Word of Wisdom- and they are hard sometimes, but you do them, and you feel that somehow you will get rewarded- that it will pay off. Then you wake up one day and you realize what a fool you've been. Because the 16 year old in the back seat of that car just got what you want. The unwed mother of 3 just got what you want-again, that girl smoking and drinking has what you want, and even the very best of people have what you want- and deserve it. So why not me? I've spent the last three years wondering what I am doing wrong, am I not good enough, am I being punished, is our timing wrong, does the Lord not care and has forgotten me. Does the Lord not care- how sad is that? This has been the most painful time of my life. I have questioned who I am, what I believe, and why I believe it, and I am coming up short on answers and feeling a lot of apathy towards life right now. Slowly coming to the realization that I will have to pay $15,000-$30,000 to experience what others get for free is a bitter battle with your spiritual side. On top of that, we don't have that kind of money. Not to mention that the procedures take everything beautiful and wonderful out of the experience. Doctors probing and poking and implanting. We've done three procedures so far and nothing has come from it. Just false hope, broken hearts, and empty bank accounts. I am spiritually flat lined and unable to comprehend what God wants me to learn from this pain right now. I've heard it all: You are so young, it will happen. Give it time. Be patient. It will happen in the Lord's time. Go on vacation. Just relax. Don't think about it. God is teaching you something. Some are just meant to adopt, maybe that's you. This is how Satan tries to get us. If I hear another tried and cliche saying about trying to have baby- I am going to scream! I especially don't want to hear it from the mother of 8 sitting next to me telling me she understands what I am going through and to hang in there. No you don't and I don't need your sympathy. I don't know if I'll ever become a mother, by miracle or adoption or whatever, but if that day comes I hope I can look back on this bitter, angry, painful time and see what I was supposed to learn, because all I can say right now is SCREW THIS BABY MAKING STUFF, IT SUCKS!