His plan for me

One of the best parts of being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is having the knowledge that Heavenly Father has a plan for me. Sometimes that knowledge is clouded by doubt or fear, but it is always there. Even in my darkest hours of infertility I felt the confirmation from the Holy Ghost that Heavenly Father knew my pain and had a plan for me. But I definitely had my moments of doubt. And by moments I mean years. I spent the last 4 years doubting if I would ever be a mother, doubting my worthiness to be a mother, doubting that my prayers were being heard. Doubting that I would ever climb out of the hole of pity, anger, bitterness, sadness, and jealousy I had dug. The important part of that last sentence was "I". I dug that hole and only I could reach out and help myself out of it. I joined the church when I was 17. In the 10 years since my baptism I have had many stumbling blocks put in my way, but I have always overcome them. When infertility was thrown in front of me I was knocked down, but I didn't give up. I was proactive. We went to the doctor, we got tests, we tried procedures, we tried all sorts of things we learned from friends and family and strangers online, we tried diet changes, we tried vitamins. We tried everything. And each time one of those didn't work it was like getting knocked to the ground again. Before we chose adoption (and after we had one last test done) I found myself knocked to my knees again. But this time I did something differently. I changed my prayers. I poured out my heart to Heavenly Father. I told Him all I ever wanted was to one day be a mother. That I was willing to let this (pregnancy) go so that I could meet Him half way and align my plan with His plan. Remember that pit of despair I had dug? Suddenly it wasn't so deep. Suddenly I could grasp the edge and pull myself out. What a great feeling!

After shaking off those 4 years of sadness my eyes were open to all that I had missed. All the blessings, all the answered prayers, all the direction that Heavenly Father had given Heath and I in our lives as we endured this trial. I was able to see that we were heading right where we were meant to be all along and suddenly infertility wasn't a trial anymore. It was a blessing.

I'm not saying it isn't still hard. I had to grieve the loss of a childhood dream-bearing children. It was hard, but it is better now. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows our pain and helps lighten our burdens.