*ADDENDUM TO MY PREVIOUS POST*
Okay, obvioulsy I am a little angry right now. A lot of this has been building up the past three years. Month after month of negative pregnancy tests will do that to a person. I'm not going to lie, I really do think/have thought/feel/have felt all of the below things and more- wrong or right. I need to write about two things. One being of a time shortly after joining the church. I joined when I was 17. During that time I took ridacule from friends, family, and sometimes strangers. I dealt with my Baptist friends who thought I was going to hell. I dealt with my parents kicking me out of the house because they didn't understand. I dealt with my grandma giving my parents anti-mormon literature so that they could know the "truth". For the past 10 years I have struggled with the need to fit in with my family and friends that were now so clearly different than me and also trying to live the life I knew I wanted. I knew what I believed and I knew why I wanted to be baptized, but trying to be another person after being someone else for 17 years can be a difficult thing. I stumbled many times, but always got right back up and kept moving forward. That was a very hard time in my life. I was being hurt for doing something good- going to church. I was changing my life for the better, but met opposition in every direction. It was a very painful time, but also a time in my life that changed me for the better. I made it through and thought to myself, surely this is as bad as it gets. Surely I will reap the benefits of standing strong for what I believe. Hince the bitterness as the time came for me to weather yet another one of life's trials- infertility. I feel like I am going to be fighting these battles all of my life while others seem to have things handed to them. It feels like nothing comes easy to me and I am becoming resentful of how strong the Lord believes me to be. The hardest part is being a member of this great church that teaches of families and how they are your greatest treasure. When you can't obtain it, you feel broken. You feel like a failure as a wife, a member of the church, a daughter/daughter-in-law, and a daughter of our Heavenly Father. I know I cannot let this trial define who I am or where I am going. I know I cannot let it extinguish my testimony or love for the church. I just don't know to get out of this place, to come to terms with this, to overcome these feelings.
The other thing I wanted to say was that I am aware of the many blessings I have daily. I do not want to short change all the good I have in my life. A very loving husband, a wonderful house I can call home, two loyal dogs, great family and friends. It just seems that when something like this takes over your life you forget about the simply great things you do have. I know I have a lot and I am very lucky. And on the other hand, I realize that there are many more people out there that are struggling with far more than I am.
I also realize that this is not the end of the road. That there are many options out there for us to expand our family. I'm just simply a girl who wishes she could do it the "normal" way, and needed an outlet to vent these feelings I've been having. I think the world in general does not talk about infertility enough and so as a woman going through it you feel alone and strange. You feel like you have no one to relate to, but I have found many greats friends along this journey and thank them for all the support they've given me.
Friday, June 4, 2010
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3 comments:
Adrienne, I could never say I know exactly how you feel, because even though infertility is a plague in my life too, my experiences with it will never be exactly the same as yours. But, I am feeling some of the same things, I'm sure, and for the same reasons. It's hard in the world that we live in, to see unwed mothers, hear of women letting their children die, it's just so depressing to hear some of these stories. I've heard it all too from friends, family, etc., but I'm not exactly young anymore! My time is running out quickly. I know when people say things like that, they are just trying to help and lately I just take it all with a grain of salt. People never know what to say. I have been through every emotion over this, I have been angry, crushed, infuriated, you name it. We've been married for 6 years and had so many hopeful moments, miscarriages and heartbreaks. It doesn't help that my periods can be utterly painful and just cruel. It's very much like rubbing salt in the wound. I decided not long ago that being angry about it was only going to make it harder on me. I've begun a period of acceptance recently. It has been very hard to do. I think about what I have been able to accomplish in the last 6 years. I have Grace, I have no idea what my life would be like if I hadn't been able to spend the last 3 years with her. She will always need me as long as I can be there for her. Forest and I have been able to spend all of this time together that couples don't generally get to have before children come into play. It took me a *very* long time to come to terms with this, but Forest has told me from the beginning of our marriage that it will happen at the right moment.
I thought once we were sealed, it would finally happen. We were just missing that and we'd finally be blessed with that miracle. It's been 18 months since then and it still hasn't happened. It really is frustrating to know that even though everything is spiritually in order that it just won't magically happen the way it's supposed to. I know how the members of the Church can be too, you feel that pressure to be having kids and feel like a failure as a daughter of God to fulfill that duty. I feel exactly the same way you do about doctors getting involved as well, it just seems like a crime against nature and my bank account to even attempt something like IFV. Adoption seems impossible to do as well, it's just so expensive. It's been a painful journey for me as well, but I am so thankful for the people I have around me that love me and the things I am able to do and prepare for when that wonderful day finally comes when I do have children. (Just look at Cassi and Bryce, they waited almost 8 years for Jackson...we still have waiting to do if we happen to be on that time table!)
I am sorry I wrote you a novel and I know you're aware you are not the only one dealing with this. I just wanted to let you know that you are loved and that I am here, feeling that same loss, that simple loss of "normalcy". If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, I am more than happy to lend you mine!
Adrienne Dear, We love you. I am praying for you always, I know something is bound to work! I miss you and I want you to know that I am always here.
Adrienne, I don't know you that well, we weren't in the ward that long before you moved, but i have been there. I felt a lot of the same things you have felt, anger at the infertility, hating the dr. and appts and impersonalization of it all, it all just sucks. Dr's suck, the procedures suck and the failures really suck and doing the things like reading your scriptures and praying don't always help. I know I was bitter for a while, espeically when my little sisters, barely married and broke got pregnant before me. somehow i let the anger go, it takes time and everyone comes to it their own way. just don't shut your hubby out, like Jenny said, you have to find a way to be happy together inspite of the infertility. I'm still not sure why I had to go through all the infertility stuff, maybe so I could help others or just so i can really appreciate my kids who knows, but you aren't alone...keep people around who understand. i was lucky in my other ward there was a group of us that couldn't get pregnant and all going through similar things. 6 years later we are all still close and all have kids from a variety of ways. just don't give up hope this site has some great stuff that helped me http://www.2ofus4now.org/ maybe somehting will help you. good luck!
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