Moving On!

This last month we did our last and final fertility treatment and much like it's predecessors it was a big, fat, epic fail. We are letting go of this part of our lives for awhile and are going to search out some other paths to travel down for now. Heath finishing school, me doing more school, going on some vacations and hopefully forgetting about the word Infertility and the pain it has caused in our life. We can no longer plan our lives around: when this treatment will work, when I am pregnant, when we have a baby, etc. Although we are moving, living, doing- infertility has put our lives at a stagnant standstill and we are ready to move forward with new plans. Being parents was such a big part of the dreams we had for our future and now that we've had one road block after another we are coming to terms with the fact that it probably won't happen for a very long time. We just cannot afford the price tag of In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) and I am not in the right state of mind to accept adoption yet. It is Plan B to me, and I would never want a little one to grow up thinking "My mommy couldn't have children so she adopted me". I feel bitter that there are all these women giving up their babies because they don't want them, can't afford them, can't care for them- and I would give anything to have a baby of my own and just can't. Simply just can't. I think I will have a long road of acceptance coming up. I am angry, bitter, jealous, sad, and heartbroken, and those feelings don't go away overnight (although I wish they did). I guess the biggest thing I am bitter about is that 4 years ago I gave up my dreams of what I really wanted to do in school and changed to the degree I have now so I could work from home and still be a stay at home mom. Now each day I work from home is like salt in my barren womb. Right now I am planning on extending my Associate's Degree into a BS in Health Information Management, but I am also thinking of the possibility of choosing a degree I really want to do. Maybe this is an opportunity to fulfill other dreams we have like : school, traveling, etc. One day this will all make sense..