So Heath and I have finally overcome the Texas Epidemic. It first started with him getting sick and then a week later me and then a week after that our friend Kira. Sorry Kira! I got it worse than them all of course thanks to my pretty non existant immune system. I had a visit to the doctor that ended with a nice shot in the bum and some antibiotics (my absolute enemy in this world). So we are finally well and loving it.
This weekend we ventured out to a neighborhood we've been looking at and took a peek at their homes. It is called Sendera Ranch and is located in Haslet, not too far from where we live right now. We loved a couple of the houses and they are actually in our price range. We were pre-approved for a home, but aren't pursuing it due to the lack of funds we currently have. I don't make as much as I should because of high insurance, FSA account, 401K, and taxes being taken out. So actually I am looking for a raise or a new job so we can get into one in the near future. It was fun to go look and realize that our dream of owning a home isn't that far away. The great thing about this neighborhood (if we stay in this area, it's all dependent on where Heath goes to school) is that it is like a little community. It is a huge neighborhood with lots of parks, pools, schools, and even a market center. It would be a great starter home and a great place to raise a family.
So we are just concentrating on saving money and looking forward to all the great oppurtunities in the future. We would appreciate your prayers for us concerning Heath's school choices and getting into school and also new job oppurtunities that have come my way. Thanks for your love and support!
Monday, February 9, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Fertility Funhouse, it ain't that fun!
So I completely agree that matters like this are private and between husband, wife, and the Lord, but gosh darn it, I am just really over all this "trying to conceive" business.
Most may look at us and think "When are they going to have kids?" or "Are they putting money before family?" or the like, and I can honestly and bitterly shout WE WOULD LOVE TO! and NO WE ARE NOT! Recently I have found many other women who struggle with fertility and even pregnancy issues and have found peace and understanding in their stories. So maybe, just maybe someone out there is looking for my story.
Heath and I started along this road about a year ago. It just 'clicked' in both of us that we were ready to start a family. I was extremely excited because, well heck, I have been ready since Day 1 of marriage. There was just one thing I needed to do in order to prepare. Visit with the doctor. I decided to do a pre-pregnancy check-up. I was concerned about a gene that my cousin's family had- the Factor X gene. It is the number one cause of autism and retardation. Not that the results would change things for us, but it was something that I wanted to get checked out. So a needle puncture later we were waiting for results back from the chromosome analysis. Two weeks later I headed into the doctor for the results. I sat nervously waiting for the doctor. She came and plainly stated "Well you don't have Fragile X". I was relieved. She went on...."But it does look like you are missing part of one of your X chromosomes." Wait? What? What the heck does this mean? What will it mean? She went on to say "You should either not get pregnant or do IVF." I left. I walked down the hall. Down the stairs. I opened the door. I walked towards my car. And then it happened. I just let loose and cried my eyes out. I saw my dreams, my biggest dream, slowly slipping away. How could this be? This was completely disheartening to me considering how naive I was about the whole process (for example: the fact that you only have a 20% chance to get pregnant each month anyway!)
The following week or so I visited with a Genetic Counselor who eased my worries and explained things much better than the OB/GYN (remember doctors don't know everything, especially those incompetent in genetic issues). So pretty much the deal was this: Women who are missing a whole X chromosome have Turner's Syndrome, I did not have Turner's and did not exhibit any Turner's signs or symptoms, I can not give my children Turner's (well not anymore than any other woman, Turner's happens when the cells are dividing, just like my abnormality), and most comforting: I am not weird. Hehe I liked that last one. What it could mean: early menopause (like age 30), Premature Ovarian Failure (again, like age 30), and a harder time conceiving a boy (since most likely if they received my "broken" X then the pregnancy would miscarry). All equal a high possibility of infertility. Boy do I hate that word. Other feelings attached to that word are incapable, incompetent, and inability. I felt those things in the following months, along with anger, bitterness, pity, loathing, emptiness, unhappiness, jealousy, unfairness, loneliness, and a lot, I mean a lot, of misunderstanding.
So we went on trying each month without any good news. The first months were full of disappointment and even fear. Fear that something inside of me was broken. I felt like a complete failure as a woman and especially as a wife. I felt alone and worthless at moments. Heath was amazing. He didn't understand, but he was amazing. He tried so hard to make me feel better, but I was a constant vacationer on the island of self pity. So more months went by and I just became angry. I resented anything that dealt with pregnancy (especially at work when I would work on charts that dealt with 15 year olds who were pregnant or talked with people who almost regretted having children). I asked Why? How?. I begged with Heavenly Father. I even thought I was being punished by Heavenly Father. I was miserable and I'm pretty sure it was miserable to be around me. I yearned for pregnancy, the feeling of an infant in my arms, and just had a desire to begin our little family. But nothing happened. 10 months have passed and still nothing. Don't get me wrong, I know my time in the land of infertility has been short compared to others, but it is still painful, it still feels lonely, and it still feels empty.
And for those of you on the edge of your seats wondering.....this story doesn't end in pregnancy, at least not yet.
At about month 6, due to my 'high risk' for infertility, I saw a fertility specialist. I got a pelvic sonogram done and some blood tests and everything checked out perfectly. 4 months have passed since then and still nothing, and I'm finally okay with that. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt each month and I don't cry sometimes. And I'm not saying that I don't still feel pangs of jealousy or bitterness when friends or even strangers announce/flaunt their pregnancy(as they should! It's great news and I would too!), but it is becoming okay. I am okay because of a plan. Heavenly Father's plan and the knowledge that I know he cares, he knows me, and he hears me. A part of me is so grateful that pregnancy has not been easy for me. I now know the pain and grief that is attached to infertility and the feelings that you experience. It is especially hard because you feel left out at church when things are centered around being a mom, taking care of kids, and it seems like everyone is pregnant. I know that things will happen, whatever they will be, in God's time. God it perfect in his timing, and the timing is always perfect. I am extremely grateful for this time Heath and I have to become closer, to prepare for the future, and just grow as a family of two, but look, with hope, at the future and what it holds, whatever it may be.
Most may look at us and think "When are they going to have kids?" or "Are they putting money before family?" or the like, and I can honestly and bitterly shout WE WOULD LOVE TO! and NO WE ARE NOT! Recently I have found many other women who struggle with fertility and even pregnancy issues and have found peace and understanding in their stories. So maybe, just maybe someone out there is looking for my story.
Heath and I started along this road about a year ago. It just 'clicked' in both of us that we were ready to start a family. I was extremely excited because, well heck, I have been ready since Day 1 of marriage. There was just one thing I needed to do in order to prepare. Visit with the doctor. I decided to do a pre-pregnancy check-up. I was concerned about a gene that my cousin's family had- the Factor X gene. It is the number one cause of autism and retardation. Not that the results would change things for us, but it was something that I wanted to get checked out. So a needle puncture later we were waiting for results back from the chromosome analysis. Two weeks later I headed into the doctor for the results. I sat nervously waiting for the doctor. She came and plainly stated "Well you don't have Fragile X". I was relieved. She went on...."But it does look like you are missing part of one of your X chromosomes." Wait? What? What the heck does this mean? What will it mean? She went on to say "You should either not get pregnant or do IVF." I left. I walked down the hall. Down the stairs. I opened the door. I walked towards my car. And then it happened. I just let loose and cried my eyes out. I saw my dreams, my biggest dream, slowly slipping away. How could this be? This was completely disheartening to me considering how naive I was about the whole process (for example: the fact that you only have a 20% chance to get pregnant each month anyway!)
The following week or so I visited with a Genetic Counselor who eased my worries and explained things much better than the OB/GYN (remember doctors don't know everything, especially those incompetent in genetic issues). So pretty much the deal was this: Women who are missing a whole X chromosome have Turner's Syndrome, I did not have Turner's and did not exhibit any Turner's signs or symptoms, I can not give my children Turner's (well not anymore than any other woman, Turner's happens when the cells are dividing, just like my abnormality), and most comforting: I am not weird. Hehe I liked that last one. What it could mean: early menopause (like age 30), Premature Ovarian Failure (again, like age 30), and a harder time conceiving a boy (since most likely if they received my "broken" X then the pregnancy would miscarry). All equal a high possibility of infertility. Boy do I hate that word. Other feelings attached to that word are incapable, incompetent, and inability. I felt those things in the following months, along with anger, bitterness, pity, loathing, emptiness, unhappiness, jealousy, unfairness, loneliness, and a lot, I mean a lot, of misunderstanding.
So we went on trying each month without any good news. The first months were full of disappointment and even fear. Fear that something inside of me was broken. I felt like a complete failure as a woman and especially as a wife. I felt alone and worthless at moments. Heath was amazing. He didn't understand, but he was amazing. He tried so hard to make me feel better, but I was a constant vacationer on the island of self pity. So more months went by and I just became angry. I resented anything that dealt with pregnancy (especially at work when I would work on charts that dealt with 15 year olds who were pregnant or talked with people who almost regretted having children). I asked Why? How?. I begged with Heavenly Father. I even thought I was being punished by Heavenly Father. I was miserable and I'm pretty sure it was miserable to be around me. I yearned for pregnancy, the feeling of an infant in my arms, and just had a desire to begin our little family. But nothing happened. 10 months have passed and still nothing. Don't get me wrong, I know my time in the land of infertility has been short compared to others, but it is still painful, it still feels lonely, and it still feels empty.
And for those of you on the edge of your seats wondering.....this story doesn't end in pregnancy, at least not yet.
At about month 6, due to my 'high risk' for infertility, I saw a fertility specialist. I got a pelvic sonogram done and some blood tests and everything checked out perfectly. 4 months have passed since then and still nothing, and I'm finally okay with that. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt each month and I don't cry sometimes. And I'm not saying that I don't still feel pangs of jealousy or bitterness when friends or even strangers announce/flaunt their pregnancy(as they should! It's great news and I would too!), but it is becoming okay. I am okay because of a plan. Heavenly Father's plan and the knowledge that I know he cares, he knows me, and he hears me. A part of me is so grateful that pregnancy has not been easy for me. I now know the pain and grief that is attached to infertility and the feelings that you experience. It is especially hard because you feel left out at church when things are centered around being a mom, taking care of kids, and it seems like everyone is pregnant. I know that things will happen, whatever they will be, in God's time. God it perfect in his timing, and the timing is always perfect. I am extremely grateful for this time Heath and I have to become closer, to prepare for the future, and just grow as a family of two, but look, with hope, at the future and what it holds, whatever it may be.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Sleepover Fun with Sydney!
Sydney had been asking if she could spend the night with us for awhile now, so Friday we made plans and she came over to stay. It was so cute. She had a rolling suitcase with all of her favorite things (even her ceramic toothbrush holder because according to her "I will just miss it". hehe).
So she came over around 5 and we played a little Rock Band (she loves to play drums) and after we were done we made dinner. We had hot dogs and veggies and then for dessert we had S'mores (marshmallows were roasted in the oven). She of course was more interested in the S'mores than anything else (She had two :)). So then we watched Meet the Robinson's and Tinkerbell. And I will admit, I actually liked the Tinkerbell movie. In fact, Sydney got bored in the middle of it and started jumping on the bed, and Heath and I stood there with our eyes glued to the TV. Pretty sad. Well after that we got Syd's jammers on, brushed her teeth, read her a book, and watched some illustrated scriptures off the LDS website. Then we said ours prayers and went to bed.
It was the longest night of my life. Only because I am not used to having children in our home, so I was constantly worried about her waking up or needing something. So we all tossed and turned all night and finally around 4:30 or so we got some good sleep. Then we woke up around 8:30 to eat breakfast. We had pancakes with strawberries and bacon and eggs (oh and if you ask Sydney she'll tell you we allowed her to put jellybeans on her pancakes.....and it's true! hehe, the perks of being the aunt and uncle). So then we got dressed, or should I say got Sydney dressed, and then barely had time for us to throw on some clothes before heading out to clean the church with Ben and Mer. I now know why mothers don't have time for themselves. :)
Needless to say we had a great time and the next day when she was tired and cranky from not getting sleep and having too much sugar we handed her back over to the parents. Hehe, how great! But seriously we really enjoyed having her over and are grateful every day for being so close to family and getting to enjoy things like this. We love spending time with them!
And to finish the weekend off we had a lot of fun with Joey and Kira, and I even worked on my apron that I am making with my new sewing machine from Christmas. I got a pocket done (Mom Breinholt would be proud!), woo hoo!
Hope you all had a fun weekend too! Love yah!
So she came over around 5 and we played a little Rock Band (she loves to play drums) and after we were done we made dinner. We had hot dogs and veggies and then for dessert we had S'mores (marshmallows were roasted in the oven). She of course was more interested in the S'mores than anything else (She had two :)). So then we watched Meet the Robinson's and Tinkerbell. And I will admit, I actually liked the Tinkerbell movie. In fact, Sydney got bored in the middle of it and started jumping on the bed, and Heath and I stood there with our eyes glued to the TV. Pretty sad. Well after that we got Syd's jammers on, brushed her teeth, read her a book, and watched some illustrated scriptures off the LDS website. Then we said ours prayers and went to bed.
It was the longest night of my life. Only because I am not used to having children in our home, so I was constantly worried about her waking up or needing something. So we all tossed and turned all night and finally around 4:30 or so we got some good sleep. Then we woke up around 8:30 to eat breakfast. We had pancakes with strawberries and bacon and eggs (oh and if you ask Sydney she'll tell you we allowed her to put jellybeans on her pancakes.....and it's true! hehe, the perks of being the aunt and uncle). So then we got dressed, or should I say got Sydney dressed, and then barely had time for us to throw on some clothes before heading out to clean the church with Ben and Mer. I now know why mothers don't have time for themselves. :)
Needless to say we had a great time and the next day when she was tired and cranky from not getting sleep and having too much sugar we handed her back over to the parents. Hehe, how great! But seriously we really enjoyed having her over and are grateful every day for being so close to family and getting to enjoy things like this. We love spending time with them!
And to finish the weekend off we had a lot of fun with Joey and Kira, and I even worked on my apron that I am making with my new sewing machine from Christmas. I got a pocket done (Mom Breinholt would be proud!), woo hoo!
Hope you all had a fun weekend too! Love yah!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Getting old, babysitting, and Christmas Fun!
Lots has been happening lately. I am officially 25.
Friday the 12th, my dad took us out to eat at Chili's for my birthday. Mom was MIA due to illness, but we had a lot of fun. Dad brought a gift of Brighton earrings and money, and I also received my birthday card/cash from the Breinholt's. Thanks a bunch!!
Saturday the 13th was my birthday and I had a ton of fun. My good friend Tami (who I've known since 7th grade, That's like 12 years!) took me out to lunch and bought me a cute shirt. I love getting together with her, it always seems like no time has passed since the last time and we always get along. She is an amazing person too, very kind and caring. After that I went out to eat with Heath, Jill, Josh, Joey, Kira, and Brian (another friend from high school). We went to OTB and had a blast. Then all of us minus Brian went bowling. Josh embarrassed me with a 198. That's not even fair considering he doesn't even like bowling. Doesn't everyone know you let the birthday girl win?
After all that fun, we all went back to the apartment, ate some candy, played some Adrienne Trivia (quite funny), and just hung out. Jill spent the night (since we never see her due to Grad school) and we stayed up till 5 am (I would like to point out that this was quite a feat considering I usually go to bed at 9).
Needless to say it was a long and fun weekend.
Last night, the 22nd, we got to babysit for Ben and Mer. What fun!! I think we played different variations of Hot Potatoe for about an hour and loved every minute of it. Sydney is just such a sweet little girl and we had so much fun playing with her. Malla was excellent and even let me feed her, which she is usually picky about. Just a great night. We loved it. Happy Anniversary Ben and Mer!
Now we are getting ready for Christmas and so excited to spend time with the Breinholt's Christmas Eve ( even the Utah ones via webcam!), and Christmas Day with the Barnette's, and the weekend with my mom's side of the family. What fun!
Hope you all are staying warm and staying safe as you travel. We love you all and wish you a very, Merry Christmas!
Friday the 12th, my dad took us out to eat at Chili's for my birthday. Mom was MIA due to illness, but we had a lot of fun. Dad brought a gift of Brighton earrings and money, and I also received my birthday card/cash from the Breinholt's. Thanks a bunch!!
Saturday the 13th was my birthday and I had a ton of fun. My good friend Tami (who I've known since 7th grade, That's like 12 years!) took me out to lunch and bought me a cute shirt. I love getting together with her, it always seems like no time has passed since the last time and we always get along. She is an amazing person too, very kind and caring. After that I went out to eat with Heath, Jill, Josh, Joey, Kira, and Brian (another friend from high school). We went to OTB and had a blast. Then all of us minus Brian went bowling. Josh embarrassed me with a 198. That's not even fair considering he doesn't even like bowling. Doesn't everyone know you let the birthday girl win?
After all that fun, we all went back to the apartment, ate some candy, played some Adrienne Trivia (quite funny), and just hung out. Jill spent the night (since we never see her due to Grad school) and we stayed up till 5 am (I would like to point out that this was quite a feat considering I usually go to bed at 9).
Needless to say it was a long and fun weekend.
Last night, the 22nd, we got to babysit for Ben and Mer. What fun!! I think we played different variations of Hot Potatoe for about an hour and loved every minute of it. Sydney is just such a sweet little girl and we had so much fun playing with her. Malla was excellent and even let me feed her, which she is usually picky about. Just a great night. We loved it. Happy Anniversary Ben and Mer!
Now we are getting ready for Christmas and so excited to spend time with the Breinholt's Christmas Eve ( even the Utah ones via webcam!), and Christmas Day with the Barnette's, and the weekend with my mom's side of the family. What fun!
Hope you all are staying warm and staying safe as you travel. We love you all and wish you a very, Merry Christmas!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Holy Smokes! The year is almost over!
Wow, a month usually goes by before I write another post. I guess that's what happens when you don't do anything but sleep, work, sleep, work. Can you see a pattern? It doesn't make for a very interesting blog.
This week we actually do have something to write about. Heath's parents have been in town since last Friday and we've been doing lots of fun things with them ever since. Heath is like a child at Christmas when he learns his parents are visiting, it is so cute. Although I am like that too when it has been awhile since I've seen mine.....In fact it has been a whole week since I've seen them :) (I guess Heath wins on the whole not seeing family for awhile thing). So anyways we've been eating good food, telling fun stories (mostly funny ones to our neice about Heath as a child, she loves them, hehe), and just having fun together. We are especially grateful this holiday season that they were able to come visit. We love spending time with them and I know Heath missed them a lot!
Heath also had finals this week, which he did awesome on, as usual, and I had mandatory overtime (fun, fun). So that has pretty much been our week, trying to fit in as much as possible, and boy am I exhausted! (In fact I probably owe everyone who's been around me the past couple days an apology for how cranky I've been, I'm sorry, I'm tired!).
So it is Christmas time and boy do I love it. Although I think it brings out the best in people, I have to say these Winter months don't bring out the best in me. When I was younger I was diagnosed with depression. Winter is the hardest time for me because there is not as much sunlight (especially if you go into work when it is dark and come out of work when it is dark), and that just messes with my head. Plus I think, if you have an attitude like mine, you get towards the end of the year and think about all the things you wished you had done instead of all the things you accomplished. So I am going to do it both ways and say all the things I am thankful for that happened in 2008 and all the things I wish for in 2009 (or the near future):
Great in 2008:
1. Graduating college
2. Getting a job right after graduating
3. Heath going back to school
4. Ben and Mer not moving to Nashville (Sorry guys, we would have died)
5. Friends and Family (especially Heath)
Hopes for 2009:
1. Heath getting into either of his choice schools
2. Having our first baby
3. Getting a house (this would be a near future one).
4. Heath graduating soon (again, near future)
5. Ben and Mer moving where ever we end up (PLEAAASSEEE?!?!)
Well, I am just so grateful for all that I have and all that is to come. I hope all of you are enjoying this holiday season. Have a great weekend and stay warm!
This week we actually do have something to write about. Heath's parents have been in town since last Friday and we've been doing lots of fun things with them ever since. Heath is like a child at Christmas when he learns his parents are visiting, it is so cute. Although I am like that too when it has been awhile since I've seen mine.....In fact it has been a whole week since I've seen them :) (I guess Heath wins on the whole not seeing family for awhile thing). So anyways we've been eating good food, telling fun stories (mostly funny ones to our neice about Heath as a child, she loves them, hehe), and just having fun together. We are especially grateful this holiday season that they were able to come visit. We love spending time with them and I know Heath missed them a lot!
Heath also had finals this week, which he did awesome on, as usual, and I had mandatory overtime (fun, fun). So that has pretty much been our week, trying to fit in as much as possible, and boy am I exhausted! (In fact I probably owe everyone who's been around me the past couple days an apology for how cranky I've been, I'm sorry, I'm tired!).
So it is Christmas time and boy do I love it. Although I think it brings out the best in people, I have to say these Winter months don't bring out the best in me. When I was younger I was diagnosed with depression. Winter is the hardest time for me because there is not as much sunlight (especially if you go into work when it is dark and come out of work when it is dark), and that just messes with my head. Plus I think, if you have an attitude like mine, you get towards the end of the year and think about all the things you wished you had done instead of all the things you accomplished. So I am going to do it both ways and say all the things I am thankful for that happened in 2008 and all the things I wish for in 2009 (or the near future):
Great in 2008:
1. Graduating college
2. Getting a job right after graduating
3. Heath going back to school
4. Ben and Mer not moving to Nashville (Sorry guys, we would have died)
5. Friends and Family (especially Heath)
Hopes for 2009:
1. Heath getting into either of his choice schools
2. Having our first baby
3. Getting a house (this would be a near future one).
4. Heath graduating soon (again, near future)
5. Ben and Mer moving where ever we end up (PLEAAASSEEE?!?!)
Well, I am just so grateful for all that I have and all that is to come. I hope all of you are enjoying this holiday season. Have a great weekend and stay warm!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Mourning the good life.....
So we are officially P O O R. We are giving up our satelite subscription (no more cheesy CW shows or The Office :( ) and trying to find other ways to help save money also. It is sad saying goodbye to the life of "luxury" we've grown used to, but alas it must be done.
In other...better....news, we celebrated Heath's 25th birthday last weekend (true belated style due to tests in school) by going out to eat with my parents at OTB (On The Border) and had some cake at home. It stinks when you get to the age where you need to use birthday gifts for bills, no fun. Thanks Mom and Dad Breinholt and Barnette from Heath for wonderful gifts!
Next week, among many other celebrations (like Thanksgiving and the Texas/Texas A&M game) Heath and I will be celebrating three years of marriage!
I am so grateful to have such a loving, wonderful husband. I just love him to death and can't wait to see what the future years hold for us. Thank you honey for being my best friend, the love of my life, and the best darn husband ever! I love you!
Happy Belated Birthday Heath and Happy Early Anniversary to us both!
Hope everyone is safe over the holiday week and Go UT! Beat them Poor Aggies!
In other...better....news, we celebrated Heath's 25th birthday last weekend (true belated style due to tests in school) by going out to eat with my parents at OTB (On The Border) and had some cake at home. It stinks when you get to the age where you need to use birthday gifts for bills, no fun. Thanks Mom and Dad Breinholt and Barnette from Heath for wonderful gifts!
Next week, among many other celebrations (like Thanksgiving and the Texas/Texas A&M game) Heath and I will be celebrating three years of marriage!
I am so grateful to have such a loving, wonderful husband. I just love him to death and can't wait to see what the future years hold for us. Thank you honey for being my best friend, the love of my life, and the best darn husband ever! I love you!
Happy Belated Birthday Heath and Happy Early Anniversary to us both!
Hope everyone is safe over the holiday week and Go UT! Beat them Poor Aggies!
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Under the Influence of cold medicine.....
Why is that everytime I get sick, it lasts about 2 weeks or more? Why?!? I have been really sick since Wednesday and it has been miserable, and before that I was somewhat sick for about a week. Yay for incubation time. So I went to the doctor and they said it was just my sinuses (not shocking if you know me) and gave me a shot in the bum and a script for the antibiotics. Too bad it looks like it is just a cold virus that just needs to take its course. So pretty much I am on antibiotics for no reason. All I can say is pray, pray, pray that I don't get the dreadful C. Diff infection again.
So that has pretty much been my week. Just staying home and not getting to enjoy it because I am loopy off the meds and just stare at the wall. What fun!
Hope all is well with everyone else. Stay healthy!
So that has pretty much been my week. Just staying home and not getting to enjoy it because I am loopy off the meds and just stare at the wall. What fun!
Hope all is well with everyone else. Stay healthy!
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